frustrated

Warning: This is going to be my extremely long and rambly post about my little failures and massive thoughts. Haha, it seems like I have one of these every month or so...

This week has been pretty much awful. I had a bunch of huge tests and projects due. On Monday, I didn't sleep because I was working on this research paper, and I didn't get around to studying from my physics final because I was working on that essay.

Turns out I didn't do so well, and it looks like an A in physics is impossible. And if my essay is no good, an A in english is also pretty impossible.

I know I shouldn't care. I probably don't. But it doesn't matter anyway, because I will never be good enough for my mom.

It feels like no matter what I do, it's never enough. I mean, she doesn't say that to me, but I can feel it. Her whole life has revolved around her daughters and I am too afraid to find out what happens when I destroy that kind of expectation.

I'm scared to do anything that will upset her, but then again, I refuse to do a lot of what she wants from me. Whichever way I go, I am in eternal regret. Case in point: course requestors for next year. I want to take basically a bunch of art, music classes and communication courses, but I feel like if i don't take a certain number of academic classes, I'm setting myself up to fail in her eyes.

I don't know what to do. I'll end up regretting what I do, no matter what.

I don't think I know who I am anymore. I'm not sure if its acutally ME that wants this or this, or if I like this or this. I'm too worried about how it will affect my mom.

I keep saying, just two more weeks, just a little longer. It'll be over soon. But there's so much to DO. I don't know how to split my time up... I think I need to sacrifice something.

I wish I could go back to being a little kid, and just KNOW things. KNOW that mushrooms taste yucky, and KNOW that life is full of infinite possibilities.

This week, I cried a lot. I can't explain it. It must be the stress of AP tests and finals and picking courses and studying studying studying. But it just seems like the tears keep coming and I feel like such an idiot.

I expect a lot out of people. I feel so disappointed when someone isn't there for me who I expect to be. Or if someone doesn't do something right or anything. Everything.

I think I'm bound to live in the past. I keep thinking about these memories and they're echoing in my head and I don't where to let them fade away. I need to learn how to forget.

What do you do when people change?

What do you do when YOU change? How do you know you've changed? How can you know anything when you don't even know yourself?

I have so much to do...

Goodnight, darlings.