i am an embarrassment to myself.

heh.

Hello.. long lost blog. And blog readers.

...I am ashamed. No real explanation for this awful hiatus except... life. School. College... laziness....

Yes. Terrible.

Anyway: an update.

College admission results are starting to come in... It's strange. I feel like I'm supposed to be feeling really happy or excited... but it's mostly apathy. Shouldn't the brink of a new kind of life have some sort of thrill in it? Maybe it's because I'm still waiting on my top choice colleges.

Thinking about not leaving California but I still don't think that's really right for me. I want to do something different... get out of the California mentality for a bit. And I think being on the east coast will really challenge me to do more with myself.

We'll see after all of the decisions come in.

Let's see.. what else. School. Has been pretty lawl. I'm not really working hard in anything now except... Government and U.S. history... and... art. Hahaha... but plenty of work on clubs and such.

People-wise, I've been doing pretty well. Hanging out with friends and just having fun. I'm going to miss high school. Well.. some of it.

Turned 18.. nothing new. Should go get my ears pierced again.

AND... currently obsessed with VERONICA MARS. It's sharp, smart, funny, and pretty interesting. Plus... Logan Echolls.. love.

Went to Boiling Crab yesterday.. it was really good. Messy, a bit overrated, but good. Thank you Jessica Lin!

End rambling.

One of my new favorite blogs: http://luxirare.com/. So inspiring and beautiful. The photography is stunning. I wish I had the drive and creativity to just... do all this stuff. The crayon post heart.

More to come. Promise.

Dream, my darlings:

credit: Anna Inghardt's photostream

Now Playing: Change Me - Keri Hilson ft. Akon

sheets of rain

from j. crew (brasspetal.blogger.com)

Skewl. I wish I could have strutted around school like this when I was 6. Sadly, I was stranded in the land of baggy overalls and misguided fashion sense. Ah, childhood.

But seriously. Cuffed shorts, mini green bowtie, and flower crammed in a beltloop? Too good.

On another note, it's been raining like freaking crazy. I know I've said this already but AHHH it's rare in Southern California. And did you guys all know... all music sounds better in the rain. I've been just sitting in my car listening to music and dreaming of the future. And the rain looks so pretty on the streets... like flat sheets of it just curtaining on the gravel. Love.



This cracked me up.



More pictures from yesterday's lookbook requested...
so...

(I'll make them smaller so I feel less egotistical...) This was a good photoshoot. Rare.



... I was going to post some fashion editorials I loved but... kind of meh now. Tomorrow. Promise. Along with some etsy features.

Smile, darlings.


Now Playing: Everybody in Love - JLS
(EVERYBODY IN LOVE.. GO PUT YOUR HANDS UP~! <3)

tornado warning

Wearing: Old Navy white tank | denim shorts | ribbed blue tights | U.O. boots | thigh high socks | handknit scarf | black cardigan

Most recent lookbook. Thanks to Yada who went a little crazy with the pictures... :)



Raining like crazy. Smells and sounds so clean and pretty.

I really love thunder. How it rolls and rumbles somewhere in the faraway clouds.

I hate being wet.

... I don't know what that all amounts to... Maybe all I need is a soundtrack of rain and thunder and a perfume bottle of the scent of rain.

But... nah. I think I'll tolerate the wetness.








From Angela. Love.


Now Playing: Blood, Tears, and Gold - HURTS
(I never let you down baby (BABY) ...)

the sun shot through the rain

uhm.
Not too much to say... as you can tell from the lack of posts recently.
Saw my first horror movie yesterday... it wasn't that bad. What better way to watch a horror movie than squished between someof your favorite people, and under the warm fuzzy covers?

:)

Hummm...
So I want to start writing again. I haven't in really QUITE a while... like half a year. So. I've got something in my head... thinking about it. It will someday show up in here.

Intriguing, black, punk, and beautiful. Need to DIY this:
from: JAK & JIL

Lookbook posts coming soon!

Now Playing: Disguise - Lene Marlin
(Have you ever felt some kind, of emptiness inside...?)

lusting sheer cotton

An actual fashion post instead of a random photo vomit post.

DESIGNER: Therese Rawsthorne

I stumbled upon her line a couple days and have been meaning to write about her. Because she. is. amazing.

I love how her clothing has this modern, very strong look, yet is also carelessly feminine. The use of natural, plain colors in soft textures and folds in not anything particularily new I suppose, but the way Therese Rawsthorne renders her ideas into clothing is truly very elegant. However, the undone, supposedly careless look of all her work gives an impression of effortless ease. Her work is a great study in contrasts.





all photos: thereserawsthorne.com

Love the last two especially... the slightly sheer cotton tumbling off the model's frame. Gorgeous. And then the seductive bustier with the weekend sweater look. Love.

Therese is a relatively new designer, putting on her first fashion show in April 2009. I'm definitely expecting great things from her in the future.





Time to ramble about my life...

School is alright. Barely any homework except for APUSH... and I just am TOO GOOD at wasting time. I'm working on that... trying to work on my blog and fashion and etsy stuff. Scholarships too... Plenty to do. Siz hours in front of a computer doing god knows what is NOT GOOD.

Pretty excited for second semester. Time to leave behind all of the crap from previous semesters, and just... remember the people who really matter, the people I will really miss when I leave. There isn't much time left and I really want to make use of every second. I can't wait for just a lot of time with friends, one-on-one yogurt dates, or ice cream runs, or coffee breaks. Yes, I'm quite a foodie. Hopefully enough people will be free enough so that I have people to hang out with.

I will miss high school. But I think I'm ready to leave.

Speaking of food... have gained quite a few lbs. No idea why... maybe stress? (at what?) Emma and I are embarking on a serious exercise regime so we should be good.

Sunbursts are so pretty.

Anyway, painted my nails a firetruck red... I'm going to take that as a sign for more cheeriness and laughter to come. Cheers to a new year everyone.





Now Playing: Holiday - Hillary Duff... reminiscent of last year...

(Where did you go oh where did you go...?)

tomorrow, fall faster towards me

Three hour naps are perhaps not the best nor most productive way to spend the night. This is something to keep in mind.

AHH... sometimes it's important to be patient, shut up, and bite your mouth. Lesson learned.

Anyway, first semester is drawing to a close. I can't wait to spend some time with myself and friends and such. There will finally be time for me work on stuff I love to do ... like my fail etsy and this blog. I keep telling myself, only 6 months. Only 6 months. I can't wait.

The sunrises and sunsets have been beautiful these few days. It's the most calming, seductive part of my day. I would marry the sky if I could.

Inspiration for the next 6 months: (random photos I've saved over the last... year or so)




Now Playing: King and Queens - 30 Seconds to Mars
I've been just throwing this song on repeat for the past week. The vocals are beautiful.

A lie.

Okay, so when I said I would update everyday... that was obviously... not true. Haha but I'm trying...

It's time for kind of a rambly, nonsense-filled post though. Haven't had one of those in a while.

So. Recently I've been pretty stressed with school, club stuff, college apps, people... I don't know. I suppose life is just... like that. There's always going to be stress. For now, the best way I know how to cope with everything is a cup of hot chocolate. A movie. And hanging out with a bunch of people. Not the best way, but at least it's something.

Couple (many) things that I've been thinking about:
-Thinking can be exhausting. So can not thinking. Life is just exhausting sometimes.
-I am very out of shape. But I started running... so hopefully that keeps up... xD Hopefully I will start swimming too. I LOVE SWIMMING.
-Running away from things never works. Cutting things out never works either. Confronting things is really hard. Trying to figure exactly what you want is probably the most difficult of it all.
-I'm really looking forward to college. I understand my mother has good intentions when she nags... but SERIOUSLY. I don't think I can take it much longer. I know what's wrong and right. I'll be okay.
-College apps are driving me nuts. They really make me realize how little I know about myself.
-What the hell do macaroons taste like...? I really want to try some. They are really pretty.
-How cold is 20 degrees F really...? I wonder if I can take the east coast.
-Crying at random things is a good sign that you are not okay.
-Nail painting is a HEADACHE. Few things make me as irritated as chipped nails the day you do them. ARGH.
-It really does feel good to do something for the world. Even if that means sacrificing weekends and countless hours of menial labor. It yields over $1000 so it's worth it.
-Ice skating is one of the best traditions in the world.
-Regret is one of the worst feelings in the world. I really never want to feel like I could have done better, done differently. I think I just want to live life wherever it takes me.


and lastly,
-I want to skydive.

RAWR

Okay. There's no excuse for this hiatus. BUT... life has kind of been a mess everywhere. I haven't even permitted myself to look at other blogs for fear I will get caught in it all and fail even harder at life. But AHH winter break is here.

:)

WINTER BREAK TO DO:
-update blog... every day... I promise to myself.
-all 7 college apps hehe
-watch glee
-UPDATE ETSY!
-finish Angela's birthday present... hah.
-write
-scholarships/competitions
-write my OPP for speech and debate woot
-hang out with ppl :)


There's more for sure... but that's already a massive, impossible list.

Good luck me.


Last note:
I love plum reds and black. And safety pins!
from: fusedmagazine

SCRUB - A - DUB - DUB

So. Hello all. I thought a lot today so uhm... I'm deeply sorry for yet another rambly post. Skip ahead if you'd like.

First things first, I attended my grandmother's friend's memorial service in the morning. I don't really remember much about her, but I do remember her encouraging my sister and I to eat! eat! eat! more food, and her exclaiming about how tall we've grown. I remember her kindness better than her face... which I suppose is a good thing. The service was okay; it didn't really hit me until I saw her face in the open casket and saw all the relatives up close and crying. My mom did too, which made made throat tight and well. It felt pretty surreal. May she rest well in peace, uhm, wherever she is.

Anyway, that got me thinking about death and how it was so ingrained in our lives but how it happens to just everyone. It's sort of like a guaranteed tragic ending to every person. I mean, death isn't always tragic, but you know what I mean. And at first it felt unfair that it was bound to happen, but then I thought about how there are so many happy things that are bound to happen to. And I know this sounds really cliche and boring and obvious, but well. I thought of it today. Life is basically a random jumble of pretty much equal parts of good and bad, and no matter what century we are in, or where we live, or whatever, I think it's all about the same. So, that makes it incredibly important that we make it a little better for ourselves, other people, and the world. And even though in the long run no one really cares that you thanked the man in the blue cap who help open the door for you, I like to think that it makes up for a bruise on that man's life. So today I thanked a man who helped me clear my table.

Sorry to get philosophical on everyone... heh. Back to normal speak.

We went to Costa Mesa today and saw a yard sale, and I squealed because your trash is most likely my treasure. We walked over and I FOUND OLD-SCHOOL CAMERAS. YES. I got the Pentax Spotmatic and two lenses with it for $35 and I am HAPPY. Knowing my mom took a photography class in college, I asked about her experience with it. She said that the whole semester, she and a friend did a project on these people in Hawaii living on the beach. No jobs, nothing fixed, just every single day out on the beach. They lived in tents, had children, and peed in a hole in the sand. My mom and her friend took pictures of them, and eventually became friends. She said they even had parties out there with them. Her teacher loved her photos and kept them. She said she'll dig up the photos and let me see. When she told me that story, I totally had newfound respect for my mom. And a new perspective on her as a person. She seemed young and daring, artistic, happy, and well. Hippie-like. I think I would've liked to see her then. Anyway, she really inspired me and I definitely must find time to play with my camera.

And the reason I don't have much time to fool around with Lawrence (his name) is because I've been cleaning my room like mad. I don't know what's wrong with me. I usually avoid cleaning like the plague because I'm lazy, so it actually gets pretty messy, but now I know the real reason why I don't clean. It's because I'm INSANE. When I get started cleaning, I get really really REALLY meticulous and clean EVERYTHING and organize EVERYTHING and rearrange EVERYTHING. And I'm blessed with a lot of stuff: clothes, bags, scarves, yarn, beads, chinese knotting string, books, etc. etc. and just. I actually took out like half of my tiny beads and rearranged them so they saved space and weren't all mixed up. AND I'm tired of cleaning, because I've been scrubbing along for like 4 days but I can't stop. It must get clean.

It's ridiculous.

Anyhoo, I think I'm done rambling. An apology to all for the lack of fashion input, lookbook pics, art, everything, recently. I will get brilliant, mind-ripping stuff to you all eventually... and quit boring you with my long rambly thoughts. But first, I must clean.

Scrub-a-dub-dub....

Now Playing: Everything's Gonna Be Alright - Sweetbox

Btw, I think this is by far the most text-heavy thing I've ever written on my blog. I shall give myself a pat on the back.

Have a shining day everyone! :)

PICTURES WILL BE UP SOON

ish.

I'm working on it. Heh.

Meanwhile... more rambling :).

I got my wisdom teeth out Monday. Not exactly the greatest experience in the world but eh. They are out. I am bleeding. I can't eat. That pretty much sums it up.

School is nearing at an amazingly frightening rapid pace and let's be honest. I'm scared shitless. Last year was a horror story and this year seems no different except there are now college apps in the crap. And more extracurriculars.

I must learn how to get off gchat and the damn internet.

uhm...

Here's an etsy find... I haven't done one of these in a while. I first found this etsy seller through her beautiful blog of fashion illustrations: Paperfashion. I seriously love her stuff. The drawings and paintings aren't too couture, which quite frankly turn me off a little because it's sort of unrelatable, and just are awesome. And beautiful. She even does custom designs! :)



Check out her etsy store!


Also, if anyone cares, I usually discover etsy finds through "Pounce", which can randomly pick through shops that just had a sale, or an undiscovered shop. Although sometimes I do get my links from other blogs... I know that's cheating but oh well. All for the beautiful things.

Now Playing: Umbrella - Marie Digby

Hope the sunshine is lighting up everyone's smiles! :)

heh.

So, yes. It's been a while huh...? My apologies... got rather lazy during my trip. Pictures and journal entries WILL be coming up soon so no worries. They will be up... uh. Eventually. :)

Anyway, it feels pretty good to be back home. I miss the simple things... like good CLEAN air, wide roads, open spaces, amazing weather... the SUN. I haven't really done much excpet some summer homework, but once that's out of the way, my blog will definitely get some of its much needed attention.

Hm... I feel a little like rambling today. So, skip this part if it bores you.

Today was an example of why summer rocks. I woke up at ... 12 ish, drank some fresh juice, and then took a nap at 1:30. I woke up at 3:30, missed my marching band retreat (-_-), and talked to Franz and Lucy. Who, by the way, brought over some delicious food and company. Afterwards... lounged around on the computer... read some blogs and magazines (more fashion opinions later) and it was dinner time. Then we took a nice walk around the neighborhood, watched the sun set, and geezus. The air here really is amazing. So are the huge, leafy, green trees and flowers and EVERYTHING.

When we came home, I had an absolutely scrumptious bowl of watermelon and then took a bath. Yes, a bath. I haven't taken a bath in like a year and wow. It feels soooo gooood. All I was missing were the bubbles...

Anyway, this is way summer is amazing. Minus the homework... and all the other crap I have to do. But still. Gotta love the sunsets, the bright sunshine, the watermelon, and the baths.

:) Hope everyone is having a good one too!

Now Playing: Vanilla Twilight - Owl City

the beginning!

AHH yes. We are stealing someone's wi-fi here so YES I HAVE INTERNET. So I figured I'll keep a travel diary journal thing because it gives me something to do that isn't AP homework...

EDIT: okay yeah... stolen wi-fi isnt the best way to upload a gazillion pictures. So for now, it's just going to be a lot of text. Pictures sometime soon, I promise.

So. First few days in Taiwan have been pretty cool.

PRELUDE: Airplane was gah small...the food was crappy, etc etc the usual. There were a ton of movies though. Which didn't really matter much because I slept for like 9.5 hours, and then I didn't want to start a movie in the middle... so I didn't get to watch WATCHMEN. It's okay though... I'll catch it some other time I suppose...

DAY ONE 6/24:
We arrived in Taoyuan around 6 AM and blah blah got to my grandma's house at around 8 AM. Then we had yummy breakfast and then unpacked for a bit, then we all took a nap. Blah blah... slept until around noon, woke up, had some delicious 米粉. Then me, my sister, and my grandma's helper walked to get some groceries and some desserts. Blah blah.... dinner. Met my cousin's finance... seems nice enough. Blah blah. Then we walked over to the malls across the street and shopped for a bit. It's freaking amazing how much Taipei has expanded since I was last here 2 years ago. Blah blah came home showered... (YES! Ugh Taiwan is so HUMID!) watched some TV and slept. Long day.

I just realized that the above must have been quite boring and painful to read. Sorry, it must be because I don't remember too much from being very very exhausted from the plane ride.

DAY TWO 6/25:
[[[journal notes]]]
6:20 AM: Just woke up from a nightmare... was going to go to prison for 38 days for attacking some dude with I think a shovel? I think it was at anger management camp or something. sister says this is a sign. To defend my dream-self, I gotta say that that guy was a real DOUCHEBAG. if I could only remember what happened... Anyway seriously very freaky and felt very real.
8:30 AM: Aunt came over... ugh... I really don't like her very much... She didn't really look at me... I guess I should be used to this. She does do a lot for me so that is good. But still.... UGH. frustrated. went upstairs and connected to a world half a globe away and felt much better.
10:20 AM: riding the bus with mom and sister on our way to lunch with 高阿姨, my mom's friend. she's really awesome. But sitting here on the bus... NOTE TO SELF: IT'S OKAY TO BE ALONE.

That's all for journal notes today. Here comes the real journal entry.
So we went to lunch at 鼎泰豐, which is this really famous restaurant famous for their 小龍包. I would have a huge load of pictures to show everyone but yeah. Read above. Anyway, YUM YUM It was good.

Afterwards, we had some time to kill before we went to get our backs straightened by this ... chiropractor I guess you could say? So we went to visit the kidergarten/tutoring place that my sister and I used to work at two years ago. They still remember us. :) :) I wish I took pictures because they are freaking adorable kids, but they were supposed to be napping, and I know I'll visit later.

After killing enough time, we got our backs straightened... yay yay. Then we went to have afternoon coffee/tea. My mom's friend loves afternoon tea so we always go. I LOVE THIS PART OF TAIWAN TRIPS. The cakes we ordered were DELICIOUS and BEAUTIFUL. Again, pictures soon.

EDIT: OH MY GOD. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO POST ABOUT THIS TRIP FOR LIKE TWO WEEKS. But I'm getting super lazy so I'll try to do it .... in bits and pieces. Here are the first two days as a taste.


More to come later...

a break

I'm going to be gone for 5 weeks... to Taiwan, Singapore, and Malaysia.

So my blog is probably going to be pretty stagnant unless I find time to update.



Have a great summer everyone!!

SCHOOL IS OVER

Life SHOULD get better.
:)

Summer is going to be busy...

More pictures up later.

222poem

i dont know what to feel
its this tangled
blob of dirty string
and it has 11 dimensions
the truth, and 10 variations of lies
and im sitting here trying to figure it out
trying hard not to lie to myself
but it feels like when that happens
the truth i find
makes me the
ugliest, shallowest, most useless
person that i know
so i think
thats why i run
and add the 12th lie
the 12th dimension
and tangle the truth up more
in the blob of
dirty
string.

a gatsby window

So at night, when I walk into my room, there's this green/red/blue flashing light in my backyard. It's really bizarre, because I CAN NOT figure out what it is... and when I walk towards it, it seriously just disappears. I feel like Gatsby.

I wonder what I'm missing in my life though. What am I wishing for?

Probably too many things.

Anyway, that aside, I think I love reading in candlelight. I'm probably destroying my already terrible eyesight, but well, shoot me. I love it. My sister says this picture looks like I belong to some cult. Tell her she's wrong.


Now Playing: 파니핑크 (Fanny Fink) - River
I LOVE this song... it's so relaxing...

love me more

Today was pretty uneventful, except I donated blood for the first time! It was definitely kind of scary, but overall it didn't hurt and was basically fine. I'm mostly just extremely tired and weak right now.

Hm... state testing going on now. My favorite thing in the world. AHH it's just such a waste of time... especially the science and history portions because everyone takes something different, and it's hard to standardize that.

Bleh.

I realized I have mostly stopped caring about this year. I feel so sick of everything. Summer is almost here and I can smell it in the air. But, I WILL TRY TO DO MY STUPID CALCULUS HOMEWORK.

Alright. That's it for me rambling.



I think I have fallen in love with these. They are so fun and ADORABLE. WANT WANT WANT!
From: Modcloth

On the topic of shoes...


from: elitechoice, shoeblog

Insane, no?
Apparently the heeless ones are comfortable...but I am skeptical. The first ones... just look painful. I don't even think they are meant to be worn. I actually like the second pair... but just, you know, insanity.

How to draw the line between functional fashion and just... art? Is fashion even supposed to be functional? Hm. Something to think about.

frustrated

Warning: This is going to be my extremely long and rambly post about my little failures and massive thoughts. Haha, it seems like I have one of these every month or so...

This week has been pretty much awful. I had a bunch of huge tests and projects due. On Monday, I didn't sleep because I was working on this research paper, and I didn't get around to studying from my physics final because I was working on that essay.

Turns out I didn't do so well, and it looks like an A in physics is impossible. And if my essay is no good, an A in english is also pretty impossible.

I know I shouldn't care. I probably don't. But it doesn't matter anyway, because I will never be good enough for my mom.

It feels like no matter what I do, it's never enough. I mean, she doesn't say that to me, but I can feel it. Her whole life has revolved around her daughters and I am too afraid to find out what happens when I destroy that kind of expectation.

I'm scared to do anything that will upset her, but then again, I refuse to do a lot of what she wants from me. Whichever way I go, I am in eternal regret. Case in point: course requestors for next year. I want to take basically a bunch of art, music classes and communication courses, but I feel like if i don't take a certain number of academic classes, I'm setting myself up to fail in her eyes.

I don't know what to do. I'll end up regretting what I do, no matter what.

I don't think I know who I am anymore. I'm not sure if its acutally ME that wants this or this, or if I like this or this. I'm too worried about how it will affect my mom.

I keep saying, just two more weeks, just a little longer. It'll be over soon. But there's so much to DO. I don't know how to split my time up... I think I need to sacrifice something.

I wish I could go back to being a little kid, and just KNOW things. KNOW that mushrooms taste yucky, and KNOW that life is full of infinite possibilities.

This week, I cried a lot. I can't explain it. It must be the stress of AP tests and finals and picking courses and studying studying studying. But it just seems like the tears keep coming and I feel like such an idiot.

I expect a lot out of people. I feel so disappointed when someone isn't there for me who I expect to be. Or if someone doesn't do something right or anything. Everything.

I think I'm bound to live in the past. I keep thinking about these memories and they're echoing in my head and I don't where to let them fade away. I need to learn how to forget.

What do you do when people change?

What do you do when YOU change? How do you know you've changed? How can you know anything when you don't even know yourself?

I have so much to do...

Goodnight, darlings.

...monday night

It's going to be terrible night. A big paper due and my physics final... WHEEE

To cheer myself and everyone else up!

This is so cute and cheery! And definitely funny...

Smile, everyone.

from: My First Dictionary

a rumination

Isn't it strange that everyone wants to be loved?
I wonder if romantic love is that much more different than any other kind of love.
Maybe it's the children that have it right; love is the same love for everyone.
Maybe it just all boils down to who you like talking to and who you enjoy spending time with.
Then, I suppose, that unconditional love seems a little ridiculous.
Why should anything be unconditional?
How could you love a child, even if they grow up and become monsters?
But, we are strange things.
I think love is so hyped up, that inevitable I will be disappointed. Maybe it isn't all that good.
Maybe we are all reaching for something fantastic and unworldly, an emotion that only belongs in places of imagination and Disneyland.
I think a kiss will taste like candy. Like stolen candy, because stolen candy always tastes better.
I want to love more. I think I'm too selfish and demanding. I'm not selfless enough to love many people.
I want to love more. I want to love.
I don't think there is someone you are fated to be with. If there is, well, it just seems like there are so many ways to go wrong.
I think love is just a lot of work. Not in a bad way really, but it's all about the time and effort you put it.
I suppose certain people are better suited for each other than others, but is it really possible to find someone you are fated to love?
I wonder how you know if you find your fated person, if that does exist.
I wonder how it's so easy to love a flower, a food, but sometimes it's just impossible to even like a person.
People are strange things.



all photos: flickr.com