here comes the long long...ramble

Okay.
I'm not doing well.
I'm being a whiny brat and complaining about life and school.
...
Sigh. It's awful. I think I have lost all will to work. It seems like everything I'm doing is just so I can compete with other people, and I really don't think I care that much.
But
I do.
I'm a competitive person. Sometimes I don't let it show, but in my head I'll be thinking, "Oh, that person did so much better..." and I'll feel like a failure because I can't do what they can.
Hmm...not the right way to put it I guess. A lot of the time, I know I CAN do it...but I'm too lazy to actually put all the time and effort into something that I really...don't care about much.
Which kind of brings me full circle.
I guess what it is is that I care about ... like the grades and the outcome, but I really don't care much about the classes. Which basically makes for a lazy, complaining, whining brat that still wants her As.
I'm rambling. But I need to get this out.
Anyway, recently I've been feeling that no matter what I do, I don't know how to do better. Studying doesn't seem to help, especially because I'm so unfocused.
I guess it comes down to that. I should just bite the bullet and just focus and work and study and just plow through anyway. Who cares if it doesn't matter in life?
But I really... when I think about my failures, I stand paralyzed. I lose the willpower and the ability to do well. I just keep thinking how this will manifest into an avalanche of failure later on.
And I can't just not care. I don't know any other way to measure my abilities or my talents. Grades are something solid and definite that I can see. I don't have the self-confidence to pick out my own abilities myself.
Not to mention it's junior year and I feel like if I screw up now, my life is like...destroyed. And it's also the year when all people really talk about is grades. And I feel like an idiot: they are doing better than me, and working hard, and sometimes still not satisfied. It makes me think ... what am I then with my grades? Where is my worth?
There's nothing to distract me either. Life is literally all school. Extracurriculars included but usually that is still stressful and not a relief.
And friends and family. My family, well, my mom expects a lot from me. I guess she doesn't always say so, but I feel like if I fail, I fail her, and that will literally be the worst thing I can think of.
Friends. I don't know. I always feel incompetent when I'm with my friends. They are so obviously THEM, so obviously ... confident in who they are. They are down in the hell hole with me, but I think... at least they don't have the incredible feeling of constant and ever impending failure. And I'm not sure it's the best thing that I'm always with these people who know exactly who they are. Or SOMETHING about who they are. It makes me feel even more insecure.

Sometimes I wish I can just...leave. Go somewhere else. Figure out who I am and what I CAN do, instead of sitting here, learning just how much I can't do. How much I can't do, in comparison to those CAN.

Wow, that was a really long post. ...er...
I don't know. I'll probably just...work hard and do my best and try to ignore that bottomless feeling of permanent failure. Just needed to get this out.